AMBULANCE
DATE??
Dear Jim,
Thanks for the straps and stuff - all now riveted into position and
ready for some heavy action. You've managed to fulfil all my wishes
on this Project so far - so how about finding me a PHYSICALLY FIT &
ACTIVE FEMALE, PREFERABLY EX-ARMY / NAVY / RAF, WHO WAS (IDEALLY) MILITARY
POLICE OR MEDICAL STAFF - WILLING TO APPLY HER SKILLS ON A TROUBLESOME
ARMY NUT-CASE. Just kidding, but what's the point in having a fully
refurbished army ambulance if I don't have the necessary tough cookie
to make sure it gets used frequently and imaginative. Where do I advertise
for suitable playmates (either sex - I'm getting progressively less
fussy because I WANT TO PLAY!).
There's still a lot I'd like to do to the old bus, but it's certainly
no longer the wreck you saw last year. I've completely overhauled the
engine, re-covered front cabin seats with authentic olive drill , so
from outside it looks like a first class restoration job. To be honest,
seat belts aren't 'period' but had to be installed to meet today's requirement
and get me through the M.O.T. I got away with a curious double torso
strap I'd devised for the passenger. I didn't add the locking device
for the belts, or the two leg-straps for the passenger seat until later!
Shades of WE LOVE S&M book. (See 'Storylines')
Inside
the business end of the ambulance things aren't quite so authentic -
but look suitably ex-WD; one metal bunk welded into place, two canvas
stretchers, one full wire mesh immobilisation cot and a mansize metal
locker box are all neatly stashed, hung or hinged into position and
ready for any emergency. There's even an ex-navy canvas hammock which
I'm sure you could invent interesting uses for. I've always wanted to
fool around with a full netting hammock - have you ever tried one?
All those terribly useful original metal attachment points around the
walls, roof and floor have had their fixing bolts changed (don't want
anything coming adrift), and the whole inside is now lined with an internal
skin of sound and thermal insulation sheeting (including over the windows)
- SO "Have Dungeon Will Travel".
The bitch does guzzle petrol but is built like a brick shit house.!
I was taking it to a Militaria weekend sale a couple of Sundays ago
- and outside Reading was flagged down by two motorcycle cops. I was
dressed in full combat gear and perhaps guilty of 'impersonating an
army corporal'. I thought 'Oh Fuck, if they tell me to open up the back
- what incriminating evidence is on show?' But they were both very polite
and asked if I could help them pull a car out of a ditch with my tow
bar. Well, all mates together, I helped them out. They accepted that
I was on the way to a Military Car Boot Sale and admired my veteran
vehicle. We chatted quite a while. I would have liked to have got one
of the motorcycle cops numbers - I think he'd already got mine.
What else do I have to tell you? Oh, the air situation inside the ambulance
will perhaps need a little attention - I was so busy getting it soundproofed,
I forgot about air inlets! Any ideas on air vents that let air in without
letting too much noise out? Oh, one totally non-authentic self-indulgence:
There's stereo music and variable lighting (Well, it is a Fuck Truck!)
and the sound system was salvaged from an old banger I was breaking
up.
Cash is, as usual, desperately short but I still need to add to the
collection of 'soft' restraints - so, anything I can be useful doing
around your workshop I'll happily do in exchange for a little more of
your time and expertise. The two old canvas strait-jackets and khaki
mailsack you modified for me look very much at home. The new khaki webbing
straps are just the job on the stretchers and bunk (thank God for the
Odds-and-Sods department at Anchor Surplus). What other refinements
can your perverted mind dream up for a late-fifties medical battle-wagon?
The solid lock-on headbox/helmet you helped me make out of that old
pilot's helmet now clips rigidly to either the fixed bunk or the back
of the passenger seat. With the head clamped into that and the face
cover snapped closed, with virtually no other restraints you ain't going
nowhere - believe me I know from experience. Testing it out for efficiency,
with the helmet clamped onto the bunk, one afternoon on my Tod I got
myself seriously stuck in it; I'd put myself into a padded tank suit
and boots, strapped my ankles and knees to the bunk before putting on
thick leather mitts (using my teeth to tighten wrist straps on them).
Then, snuggling down, eased my head up into the helmet that was already
clamped to the bunk; flipped closed the face-cover and with a little
effort closed the single metal lever strap-clip on the collar. Well,
it was a great feeling even with hands mobile. I regretted not having
fixed the waist strap but tucked my hands behind my back and enjoyed
the sensation for a while.
HOWEVER, when it came time to get on with my life - in trying to swipe
open the collar clip (which holds the face cover locked closed) the
heavy leather strap on the mitts ripped the metal lever off, leaving
the face cover still jammed shut (poxy government surplus junk). Not
being able to use my teeth to re-open the mitts, it took a hell of a
lot of fiddling and sweating before I got one of the mitts off. Another
case of the unplanned for bondage session. Lucky the van was in the
workshop not parked in a lay-by at night. Another reason to find more
playmates.
What ideas do you have about splints? You showed me the neat little
canvas and cane ones that go inside ordinary jacket sleeves (in fact
you tried them on me and wouldn't take them off for an hour - I think
it was the first time I visited you). Did you ever see a type of rescue
stretcher which was canvas with bamboo canes in pockets down the length
of it? I should think it was very body-hugging. To be practical for
a moment, I guess I need a pair of arm and a pair of leg splints - plus
a suitably ex-WD issue looking surgical neck-brace. Also, I'm on the
lookout for 1950s issue waterproof ground sheet poncho (khaki rubberised
as in your 'INITIATIVE TEST' story) and pre-nylon air/sea rescue exposure
suits etc., because I expect some of my future games to happen in very
very dirty weather! - and it's a Fifties vehicle - so let's get things
in the right period for God's sake - you can help with that, having
been there!
But that brings me back to the main topic - where are all those highly
trained, physically competent ex-service women with skills just going
to waste bring up babies or bossing men around in offices. Perhaps you
should turn my situation into a story - or preferably a video - and
I'll star in it. But even then, we'd have to find the RIGHT PERSONNEL.
Get working on it, Stewart. S.M.